jalifad2:

Just washing dishes

Only my wife ❣ @bobcatm

Hosting sex parties is hard because:

* People are super flakey.

* Logistics are always a challenge.

* You are your network. Your party is who you know and who knows and trusts you. Trust may be the most important quality of all, rivaled only by taste.

* Getting the right people at the right time and the right place counts.

All these challenges can be overcome but they are real and the current equilibrium exists the way it does for a reason. To host a party you need is trust. To get people who trust each other (and you), you need to vet them and vice-versa. There is no shortcut, and you have to find and choose people who are, among other things, open-minded, generative, lusty, reasonably attractive, reasonably like to show up, disease-free, supportive, and so on.

You especially need couples and couples are the foundation of good parties. Those who haven’t hosted routinely surprised, but couples are usually easier than single men or single women. This is in part because couples (usually) trust each other already, and that base of trust is a good start. They’re also already (usually) attracted to one another, so even if a given couple doesn’t like a given party, they can still have satisfying sex.

Couples have other advantages. A male-female couple keeps the ratio pretty even, and for most parties an even gender ratio is good. Invite too many single guys and the party can get a predatory feel; the girls won’t feel safe, happy, and relaxed. Plus, a lot of single guys who can’t get a date are losers, bad in bed, or have some other defect that makes them unsuitable (one odd thing about running sex parties as a man is that I’ve become accustomed to evaluating guys in a way similar to how girls evaluate guys).

Invite too many single girls and a lot of them will be stuck on the sidelines having a girl-chat clam jam instead of getting fucked like they want. Most girls also want to be approached rather than doing the approaching. Plus, if there are too many girls eventually the guys will run out of steam and be too tired to fuck. It sounds like a pretty funny problem to have but I’ve seen it happen.

While couples form the base of the party, singles are good too. Single and mentally stable women are rarely problems for obvious reasons. I’ve been one of the single guys at parties because I’m well-known and not, for the most part, an asshole.

Most parties also have a mixture of experienced couples and novices. A party full of novices is unlikely to happen or work correctly because all those novices will be too nervous to party or too nervous to gather all in place or just unwilling or unable to make a first move, which is one reason it’s hard for people with no non-monogamous dating network to throw a party.

With sex parties, like with sex itself and many other things, everyone has a first time, and first timers should, in our view, be encouraged. While we’re totally in favor of first-timers, we’ll still observe that lots of people also like sex parties and having sex with other people *in theory*, or when they’re masturbating to porn, but the actuality of doing it can leave them limp, dry, jealousy, or squicked out. A party with a ton of novices may devolve into couples fighting, bickering, or leaving. Leaving is fine; when we’ve brought novices to parties, we’ve always told them, “You can leave at any time for any reasons, no questions asked.” And we mean that. It’s not just for show. Sex parties die if anyone is coerced and thrive to the extent that people are open to choose their own adventures.

We won’t get into looks and aesthetics except to say that everyone has different thresholds and for obvious reasons most parties vet at least somewhat for looks. We do. We’re not demanding that everyone be ready to step into an Agent Provocateur or Calvin Klein ad. But we have some undefined-but-real vibe and aesthetic standards. This is pretty obvious, but if you want to attend sex parties, you’ll be well-served to maximize whatever you got. If you'r'e hosting, you’ll be well-served to think about who you invite.

You may have missed the word “vibe” in the preceding paragraph, but it counts. We sometimes invite individuals or couples who don’t seem like immediate hotties but do have nice vibe, skills, and/or presence. We’ve met gorgeous assholes who we don’t want at our parties. Aesthetics *and* vibe matter, and you can imagine why if you imagine what other people want, especially for what amounts to casual sex and friends with benefits.

Besides aesthetics, what do you want in couples? A bunch of stuff. “Not crazy” is a start. “Takes care of themselves and others” is another. One looks for generative, giving people who want to give and receive pleasure. One needs people who will own their yesses and their nos. People who are:

* able to graciously accept “no” for an answer.

* able to make an offer without pressuring the other party to accept.

* able to accurately and reasonably judge others who should be invited.

* not a bore, blowhard, asshole, or bitch.

* tolerably responsible. Given the reality of STIs, general responsibility and health responsibility are important. Some self-destructive people simply don’t take of themselves and are willing to destroy others in the process; you probably don’t want them at parties (you’ve probably met some of them from the Internet, too). Wildly irresponsible and dangerous people drive out anyone who isn’t.

Also, some people express a sexuality that is wounding or destructive rather than generative. They can’t be allowed to attend, or, if they attend once, they must not be allowed to again. No filtering process is perfect and an overly aggressive policy will often lead to sterile, boring, or repetitive party. filtering process that isn’t aggressive enough will let the wrong people in.

In our experience, good parties also have a core of people who know and like each other along with a reasonable influx of fresh friends. I co-host with another person who we trust and who has interests and ethics similar to ours. But we tend to move in circles that are different enough that we meet different people and different kinds of people in different circumstances. By now we’ve met enough people to have continuity, but we also meet enough new people to ensure novelty (and the replacement of those who drop out: people often drop out when they start or end relationships, or, depending on their age, when they have children).

Lots of people justifiably want to just show up at a sex party to fuck and be fucked. Totally makes sense. But someone, somewhere, has to make the fucking happen. Someone has to set the right tone. A sex party rarely happens spontaneously, on its own. So for someone who wants to be at a sex party, the costs must be paid in terms of time or money. “Time” gets paid through hosting and vetting. “Money” happens when you offload those duties to someone else. In major cities, for example, Killing Kittens’s United States parties cost $250 – $350 per couple right now. Others cost less, but we’ve seen few if any for less than $40 or $50 per person.

Everyone pays, one way or another. I say that not to be overly grim, but because it’s true and because a lot of people don’t see the time and energy that goes into the list and venue.

Notice how almost everything above is about people. Sex parties are all about people. If you want to start from nowhere you can try sex clubs in your city, online dating through sites like Swinglifestyle, Kasidie, KillingKittens.com, and others. Lots of groups have low-stakes munches where people get together for talk and flirting without the expectation of sex. OkCupid and similar sites are now supposedly offering polyamorous and kinky options. Feeld is supposed to be Tinder for threesomes and moresomes. But sex clubs have the usual challenges and online dating for three or more can be as hard as online dating of any other caliber. Online dating has an adverse selection problem in which the best people are often claimed quickly or find like-minded people rapidly, while the worst are often spamming out thousands of low-quality approaches. This is as true for sex parties as it is for any other kind of party. We don’t advertise our parties online at all. To get an invite or to get in, you have to know someone who knows someone.

Once you have the people, venue should be pretty easy. It can be apartment or house or hotel; if it’s a hotel you’ll probably need to collect some cash to pay for it. When we throw parties we tell people to bring the food and drink they like and they think others will like (if you want someone else to take of that for you, pay for it. More on that later too). If you’re hosting, we also recommend that you get a bunch of red LED bulbs or pink bulbs and change out your normal lightbulbs. Red and pink hues are more flattering than white or blue hues and are especially flattering to women, many of whom are self-conscious about things.

For any given party, you can assume that between a tenth and half the guest list won’t show, depending on your relationship with the people who RSVP. People get sick or get periods or breakup or just make garden-variety excuses. The less well you know someone, the greater the likelihood of flaking. This is one of the many reasons why Internet-only parties with no money involved rarely work out. No one will actually show up. That’s one reason why we do very little dating now and more likely to tell other couples to meet us at a party or event. If they cancel last minute or turn out to be not as advertised, we don’t care.

Speaking as someone who’s done parties I can say that it’s a real big challenge. Good luck. I will reiterate: you are your network. If you have none, start building now. Good party people aren’t that easy to find and they won’t trust you right away, for good reason.

Also: Does anyone know a good place to host a pure text website? We’ve wanted to liberate some of our writing from Tumblr, but Medium seems flakey about sex-positive people and so does Wordpress. Anyone have good alternate ideas? 

couplesdesire:

Submission of swinger-couple.tumblr.com - Thanks !!

we :-)